That moment of glorious surrender :-)

Oh how I wish I could share exactly what has transpired in my heart over the past week, but words just don't seem to do justice to the awesomeness of my amazing God!! Last weekend I went to Colour Conference at Hillsong. I have never gone before and went along expectant to be encouraged and inspired alongside a great company of women, and yes that did happen, but so much more!!! Something profound took place that I didn't even fully grasp at the time but as my week unfolded I have realised a new found freedom, free from a fear of  'not being good enough', free from feeling a need to strive to please God and everyone else because of that fear, free from being overwhelmed with paralysing expectations of perfection from myself, FREE, FREE, FREE!!!! Do you grasp the enormity of that??? You may not since you have not been living in my head for the past 36 (almost) years, but where fear reigned, there is peace, there is a trusting and rest in God that is way beyond any depth I have reached with Him before, I feel ALIVE and like I am glowing on the inside. So how did this come to be???

There were so many amazing moments at the conference during worship and with the various speakers but there were a couple that really stood out for me. One of the speakers was Craig Groeschel, someone I had never heard of before. On the first day he spoke about fear. He mentioned several types of fear and spoke about the fact that what we fear most reveals where we trust God the least and asked us to actually name where we weren't trusting God and to consciously choose to change that. He then prayed for us. To actually choose to trust God in areas of fear was hard to do, I had put my hand up for every type of fear he mentioned and realised that my life was ruled by one big overarching fear that I was "not good enough", I know where it comes from and have come up against it during prayer minstry before when various memories have come up, but it had never fully left despite several layers of healing. I realised in that moment that it had never left because I hadn't chosen to let go of it. To let go of that fear and choose to trust God to say who I am and what I am worth felt so vulnerable and yet I was ready for the first time to take that step.

You may remember a few weeks ago when I was organising the 'survive past five' event that I felt like God drew a line in the sand for me and I stepped up to it, pushing past a whole lot of fear and doubt in the process to be ready to take hold of His plans for me and I believe that was the first step in a journey, Colour conference was the next step! I knew once again that line in the sand was drawn and God was calling me 'are you coming forward with me or are you going to stay hiding back there' and you know what, I was done with hiding, I was done with being afraid and feeling inadequate, I was ready to take a leap of faith and trust that the Creator of the universe loves me and I am safe with Him, so I let Him take the fear, I let it go!! The words of the song 'aftermath' on the new Hillsong CD describe it perfectly:

"Freedom found in your scars. In your grace my life redeemed. For you chose to take the sinners crown. As you placed your crown on me. In that moment of glorious surrender, was the moment you broke the chains in me. Lifted out of the ashes. I am found in the aftermath. And in that moment you opened up the heavens, to the broken, the beggar and the thief. Lifted out of the wreckage I find hope in the aftermath."

Jesus surrendered His crown for a cross and as I surrendered to Him that crown became mine too as a daughter of the King, glorious surrender that brings life and breaks chains!!!!

The next full day at the conference Craig spoke again. This time it was about us being masterpieces in God's creation and guess what, I actually believed him that God made me as a masterpiece!! He went on to say that we need to stop looking around at other masterpieces and envying them and instead be the masterpiece that God created us to be, simple yet profound. I don't have to be Marilyn Skinner from Watoto, or Christine Caine from A21 or even any of the amazing women that I know like my mother or Anna, I have to just be me with my talents, time and resources. God expects me to be faithful with what He has given me and who he has called me to be and that is ENOUGH!! Whether it's small or grand if it's what God asks it is enough, I don't have to save the whole world on my own, I just have to be faithful to do what God has asked me to do and that contribution is important and crucial no matter what it is because it is my part to play!! No more striving, just resting in God's strength  and letting His peace, love and strength enfold me so that I can then extend that to others.

Out of that I have actually found so much more energy, I'm not getting any extra sleep ( and some nights not much at all actually with my little ones), but I am energised. I am a woman with a integral part to play in God's unfolding plan and I feel the most empowering sense of purpose. I am finding myself constantly praying about so many things, letting go of distractions like TV shows and just really praying. The funny thing is that once I stopped striving and needing to 'do things' for God I have found myself so much more ready to actually do things if that makes any sense, because it's not about trying to feel that I am doing enough, it's about just worhipping God in a different way and and that doesn't suck life out of me it is actually reinvigorating me, finding an amazing new intimacy with God as I seek him in prayer and focus my life on Him and His purposes in an even deeper way. And so my journey has changed and so has my loungeroom wall. I already had a world map up there with pictures of our sponsor kids, it was part of a home schooling project I did with Jaden quite a while ago and we decided to leave it there to remind us to pray for the kids and remind us how blessed we are, but this week it has taken over the wall and is now my prayer wall!!

I have put up there one of my favourite quotes that remind me that ordinary people can make a difference, a copy of the speech my local member made in Parliament about maternal and child health after he attended the 'survive past five' event which reminds me that my voice matters and a picture to remind me of the precious mothers and babies who have stolen my heart!

 I have added fact sheets for 6 different nations to pray specifically for in regards to human trafficking, these were from Colour and they wanted people to just take 1 or 2 so they could focus, but I have a  daily prayer plan in action now and couldn't seem to settle for less than 6. I have 6 nations to pray for and 6 sponsor kids, so Sunday -Friday is 1 child and 1 nation focussed prayer, then Saturday is more general prayer. I have also put up a pciture which keeps things in perspective, that so much of my blessed life is 'luxuries' and to not lose sight of the bigger picture when other people don't even have food or clean water!

 I have put up Bible verses about the importance of prayer and a picture of hands holding the Earth to remind me that I am a global citizen and each person on this planet is precious to the God who made them!!

Now this is covering my whole loungeroom wall so I think there is some serious praying ahead in this place, prayer breaks strongholds and it is time to get committed to it. Not because of guilt, or striving, but because I have fallen in love even more with God and my heart is breaking for what breaks His heart, injustice, poverty, apathy. I cannot be passionate about God without His heart catching mine!

There are some other things changing as a result of this healing in my heart too, but I will save them for another post :-)