Happily ever after...

See this pic, this is my hubby and me on our wedding day, strolling by the Nepean River, blissfully happy, walking off into our 'happily ever after'.

Aaaaah look at us, all starry eyed and madly in love, ready for the adventure of life togther! Our wedding anniversary is still a few weeks away, but it is on my heart today to post about marriage, life and the journey of us. You see the woman in the photos above is not the woman sitting here writing this today. The woman in the photos is 5 years younger, very naive, knowing in her head that marriage is hard work but not grasping the reality of that, after all, how could she, she hasn't walked that journey yet! I think if I could've looked forward I probably would've freaked out and run a mile, thankfully God doesn't show us the whole road ahead, he knows our frail human hearts would panic instead of realising that it will be ok, that He will be us on the journey and that there is joy to be found as well.

The reason all this is ony my heart is that the heart surgery God is doing on me at the moment isn't just about my identity as a mum, it is very much about my journey as a wife as well and showing me some very ugly things in my own heart that I have just not seen before. I think it's especially been in my face lately because my dearest friend in the world is getting married in 2 weeks time and there have been times that I have struggled to be excited for her because I felt like marriage was a sentence to a lifetime of misery and what I really wanted to say to her was 'scream and run while you have the chance'. Now that all sounds very dramatic and like I have a terrible marriage and that's just not true, but what is true is that there are times when I am miserable inside myself and assume somebody else, (usually my husband) is to blame. Like if he would just sort his issues out my life would be fine. Oh how clueless I have been.

I read this in Sally Clarkson's 'The Mission of Motherhood' the other day "from interacting with my children, I have seen my own selfishness and my lack of patience more clearly than ever before", oh how true that is, but I have also realised that interacting with my husband shows it up even more. We are opposites in lots of ways and so I seem to always assume that what he thinks and does is wrong because it is so different to me. I have failed to accept his differences as being part of the man God made him to be and sometimes felt like God tricked me into marrying someone who I wasn't compatible with at all.

 I'm not even talking about any big issues here, although there have been some of those as well, i'm talking about the little everyday stuff that eats away at our joy. The stupid stuff, the 'little foxes' that they talk about in the book 'Love and War'. Stuff like 'he didn't hang my towel back up after his shower, he doesn't care if my towel is all soggy, how insensitive, he doesn't care about me at all', when the reality is he just forgot to hang up my towel. Stuff like 'he is sitting on his bum on the lounge while I need help with this, why doesn't he get up and help me, he doesn't care about me at all', when the reality is I didn't actually ask for help and he assumes I will ask if I need his help. I could fill pages with moments like these when I immediately assume the worst about he man I am supposed to love!

Then there's the big stuff too. The times we fight about parenting a very challenging special needs child and I assume I am always right even though I have no more clue about what to do most of the time than he does. The times when an addiction that he struggles with absoulutely devastates me and I struggle to find any grace or compassion, and yet fail to see that when i'm struggling with a food addiction that has plagued me for years Brett is encouraging and supportive and never makes me feel like a failure over it, and yet I am so quick to berate him for something that has plagued him for years as well instead of encouraging him to work through it. I have been resentful of being at home with the children while he goes to work and gets a scheduled lunch break, when the reality is he works so hard to look after our family, often 12 hour days, getting up when it's dark, getting home when it's dark, and yes I work long days too, but I have moments where there are beautiful cuddles, lots of fun, and I get beautiful rewarding moments with the precious ones I work with, Brett misses a lot of those moments and certainly has no cuddles at work so how on earth can I say i'm hard done by.

You wanna know what kind of man I am married to?

 The kind that rings from work everyday just to see how my day is going. The kind that provides for our family then trusts me with that money and has never once made me feel like it's money he worked for, it's always just been ours, a man who loves to play and get involved with the kids, who is silly and makes me laugh, who helps me to chill about things and not be so tightly wound, who is patient with my bossyness and control issues. Yes we are opposites and that's a good thing, because 2 people like me in one house would be a disaster. God knew what He was doing when he brought us together, imagine that??!!

And so as my friend prepares to get married I am excited, because I know that like me she will learn so much more about love, grace, forgiveness, compassion and trusting God as she walks her journey with the man God has brought into her life. Yes there will be hard times and miserable moments, but there will also be great joy!! Sentiments like these were shared during my bridal blessing and as I was reading through these this morning I realised I did not truly understand the wisdom 5 years ago, words like "don't have unrealistic expectations of who your husband is and of how your marriage will work out. Use the challenges in your marriage to help you adjust your expectations... allow God to use both of you to buff each other's rough edges and to glorify Him through your marriage" (thanks Jane!). "I do not believe you can reject and criticse your mate and at the same time accept God and His will for your life. By rejecting and criticising your mate, you are basically saying God I know better than you, you gave me the wrong mate with the wrong characteristics....there is divine purpose in your mate's flaws and fallacies.. your partner may well be weak where you are strong, and have flaws and fallacies that inspire the best of who you are." (thanks Michelle!).

And these words from Donna, written 5 years ago but never more relevant to my heart "throughout your married life with Brett you will break each other's hearts continually, with what is said or not said, what is done or not done...God knows this. When He brought you and Brett together He saw all the joys but also the heartaches. When heartcahes arise, take them straight to our Lord and king, for He knows your heart and He knows Brett's heart better than anyone."

This journey of marriage is teaching me to seek God first and to love my husband out of that love, to look for the good and not be so quick to criticise, to be patient and forgiving, and to let God refine me to be more of the woman He created me to be. It's amazing the difference in attitude has made to my marriage even just this past week, Brett hasn't done anything different, all that has changed is my heart and perspective and yet I feel like I am looking at a different man and I have found a contentment in our relationship that I have never had before. I am so thankful that both God and Brett have been pateint with me as i've fumbled and grumbled my way through the past 5 years, being better at showing God's love to strangers in the big wide world than to the person I have chosen to share my life with!! We got married in front of the cross on purpose, it was symbolic of God's love and healing that got us there, now I just need to remember that it's God's love and healing that keeps us there too!!