He gently leads those that have young!

I am undergoing some major internal renovations at the moment. My heart, my attitudes, my reactions, my goals, everything is being reworked and I am seeing things from a new perspective. My God is being very gentle with me and teaching me so much about myself but teaching me even more about Him. This verse has become very special to me "He tends His flock like a shepherd, He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart. He gently leads those that have young." (Isaiah 40:11) I am being carried close to God's heart as he helps me look after the young ones in my home and I have never felt like I needed Him more.

After emerging from the fog of postnatal depression last year things have definately been a lot better, but the reality is that life with 2 toddlers and a special needs pre-teen is exhausting and often overwhelming. I have days where it all feels like too much and I have had a few of those this week. Elora has been very unsettled at night and therefore I haven't had much sleep, neither has anyone else so all the kids have been tired and cranky during the day. My patience has been sorely lacking and I have struggled to just get through the day. The cold weather we are having is causing the arthritis in my lower back to flare up and I have to admit that pain does not bring out the best in me either. The house desperately needs cleaning and yet when my hands are not busy with the little ones I am doing schoolwork with Jaden or hanging out washing, or cooking dinner and I just seem to run out of day. I have had moments of feeling like an utter failure as a mother, moments like when both girls are mounting a protest at nap time and an hour later still wont co-operate, moments like when i'm trying to perform the simple task of changing a pooey nappy but the 1 year old is unimpressed to be laying there and so it becomes a wrestling match just to get a backside cleaned and poo ends up everywhere. The fighting over toys, the tantrums, the tears, it is constant chaos and noise in this house and given that I am often doing 12 hour days on my own with 3 kids there are times when I want to join in on the tears and tantrums too!!!

But during this tough week I have also had a change of persepective through the wisdom of 2 amazing women (I have been reading books by Christine Caine and Priscilla Shirer), a good dose of worship music and the comforting words in my Bible. I have sought God many times each day for strength and the peace of His presence, and I have found it! In the moments when I could've reacted badly I could feel God with me and knew that I could choose how to respond in that moment. I didn't get it right each time, but I certainly made progress!! The sermons at church lately have been really spot on in reminding me to focus on God and what's important and so I have made a conscious effort this week to use the time I have wisely. At night instead of watching TV or spending too much time on facebook (more on facebook later) I have been reading. During the day I have been playing worhsip music which has such an effect on my mood and attitude. In the mornings after the kids are fed they are usually quite calm for half an hour or so to play and so I ask Jaden to keep an eye on the girls while I steal 10 minutes to have a quiet time (doesn't always work but they are at their most co-operative at that time of day) and I can see the difference it is making in my heart already.

 The 2 books I have been reading this week (I have a new habit of reading in a nice hot bath, absolute bliss!) have had a lot of wisdom to share with me. The first one is "A Life Unleashed" by Christine Caine. In this book she shares through the stages of her pregnancy with her daughter and spiritual lessons we can learn from these seasons. I had a couple of what Oprah would call 'aha' moments  while reading this book. Christine talks about her life story and how she gave birth to the dreams God had placed in her heart, but that she went through many seasons to get to the birthing part and God used these times to build the character traits in her she would need for the life and ministry she now has ( and this was written before A21 happened so she hadn't even envisioned the impact of that yet). She shares "at the time my decision to volunteer at the youth centre seemed insignificant. It wasn't very glamorous or spectacular... painting walls at 2am, cleaning toilets, administration, and writing funding proposals.... it was during my six years there that I developed the skills and character necessary to do what i'm doing today... (God) was using this process to build me on the inside. He taught me about submission, faith, loyalty, commitment, endurance, faithfulness, generosity and how to do it all on 5 hours sleep a night."

I read that paragraph and suddenly a light bulb went on. How on earth could I expect God to unleash me into the mission things on my heart when I have been so unfaithful with what He has already given me to do. One of the dreams I have had in my heart for many years is to work at an orphanage in Africa or India and here I am griping about how hard I am finding it looking after 3 kids. I may never work in an orphanage, that may not be God's plan for me, but even if it is part of the plan at some point I can see so clearly now that I am not ready for it!! Here right now where God has put me I am lacking in patience and endurance so how could I ask for a task I am not ready for? I am also on a journey with God at the moment to try and get my physical health back on track and to better manage our finances and that is all part of a bigger picture too. I need to learn to be wise in my choices, if it's been hard to do that where I am now then how could He trust me with more? Here with my beautiful children I need to lean to be patient, kind and loving regardless of how much sleep i've had, to put others needs before my own  and not whinge about it, to get better at multi tasking, and to trust God for the strength I need to get through every minute of an overwhelming day!! Regardless of whether I ever end up in a ministry or not they are definatly character qualities that I want God to build in me!

So last night I decided it was time to end the negativity. I had been having a bit of a controversial discussion on facebook about media and decided to spread some love and positivity instead. So I started writing on people's walls about how much they meant to me and what inspired me about them and people appreciated the encouragement. I have culled my friends list on there lately and have been trying to limit my time there and this is my next step to make it something I use for positive in my life rather than letting it become a problem. The goal is for my status updates to only be uplifting from now on instead of using it as a place to vent and whinge!

I am still reading the second book I mentioned which is "Life Interrupted" by Priscilla Shirer and will post about that one later, but so far it has been very enlightening also!!! So here I am in God's training ground, blessed to be raising my kids with Jesus right by my side gently leading me along and becoming more of who He made me to be and I am perfectly content about it :-)