Me vs Me

I am struggling with a lot of things at the moment and yet also content in lots of ways too, strange contradiction but then I find at the moment that I am just one big walking contradiction!

I am surrounded by lots of amazing people, and yet I feel really alone. I think my best friend flying in, getting married, then leaving the country again 2 weeks later may be the catalyst for that. I miss her so much and when it's been ages since I've seen her I sometimes forget how much I love having her around, and the she was here, and even in the midtst of the busyness of wedding prep we got some good time to talk, and now she's gone again :-(. I am also really missing some people from my old church that I have seen lately at a party and a funeral and yet not had the same opportunity for the really deep interaction we used to have during our weekly Bible studies together and it makes me miss them more. It's not that I don't feel at home in our new chuch cause I am quite happy there, but I am missing my friends, it's probably especially apparent at the moment as I work through my grief over Lynn's death and do not have the same people in my daily life who I have cried with through hard times before!

I am also very, very tired at the moment. Elora has not been sleeping well but it's more than that. Adjusting to home schooling again over the past few weeks has been hard work. I love our family hanging out and learning together, I love the more relaxed lifestyle and I can see Jaden doing well in it, but it takes a lot of effort to be a full time mum and a full time teacher and there are days when I find myself wishing Jaden was normal so I could just send him to school and have a break. I am happy in the decision we have made and I do truly enjoy it most of the time, I am also pretty sure it's the path we're gonna take with the girls as well and they are 'normal', but there are still moments of being overwhlemed and resentful, like I said i'm a contradiction!

I am also feeling very inclined right now to just pull back from any involvement in justice issues, church involvement etc and focus on getting in the hang of this new family lifestyle for at least the next 6 months, which makes perfect sense right. But then it also feels like hiding from the passions in my heart because i'm too tired to be bothered and it's all too much hard work right now, so is that really the right thing to do? Am I even capable of pulling back and not getting involved in things when part of me is so excited at the things in the pipeline for Anna and I and the 'Western Sydney Justice Project'.

I am also wondering whether to bother blogging anymore cause it's really journalling for me and I can do that without sharing it with the world and I read lots of other blogs way better than mine with heaps of followers and lots of comments and  sometimes i'm not even sure anyone reads mine, but is that me just comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate or is there wisdom in less time online as well?

Anyway that's where i'm at right now, tired, confused, emotional and one big walking contradiction!