conversations with God

My blog has been lying dormant for a few weeks, I was processing, struggling, and not even sure I could put my thoughts and feelings into words even if I wanted to share them. I am walking out of the other side of that now and in a much better place, but it's a journey and I don't claim to be all fixed now, just moving forward :-).

After my miscarriage I was lost in a state of confusion. The whole reason we tried for number 4 was because I was sure God had asked us to, and when we got pregnant straight away I saw that as confirmation that it was indeed His will for us to have 4 children, so when we then lost the baby so quickly I was utterly bewildered as to what the point of all that was and why would God ask us to go down a path we weren't heading until He asked us too, and then slam the door in our faces???? Do I have any answers now? Nope but that's ok. I keep thinking of the story of Abraham being willing to offer up Isaac because God asked him too and then at the last minute God sent the ram. Was it all just a test of my faith? Afterall my biggest struggle is being a mum, there are days when I wish to be anywhere but here and it takes a lot of leaning on God to home school Jaden while dealing with the 2 little ones as well and I was not sure how I was going to cope with a baby as well but was willing to step out in faith and trust that if God asked us to do that He would provide all I needed to be able to do it.

I don't really know why and I never will, but i'm not supposed to understand God's ways and I have learnt many times through the years that He knows much more than I do so fighting him gets me nowhere and if I want any peace in life it only comes through surrender. I spent time last week sitting on the beach surrounded by the magnificence of creation having conversations with God and realising how small I am compared to Him and just because my little brain can't comprehend Him it doesn't make Him bad or mean because He has shown me so many times in my life that He is the opposite of that, He is loving, and He is always there. And so I find myself moving forward finally, having made peace with God and stepping out of the painful moment I was stuck in. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and if I drown myself in doubt and self pity I will miss the joy that fills my life and I will forget that there are so many people in this world who need a touch of kindness in their life that I can't offer when I can't see past myself.

So I am ok, I am moving forward, I am learning and growing, and I have lots of blog posts to catch up on!! :-)