very raw and personal.

This post is not the one I was planning to write this week. I was planning to take a photo of a positive pregnancy test and break the exciting news that bub number 4 was on the way, but that is not what this post is going to say :-(

A few weeks ago I posted about a book I read that challenged me to not listen to the wisdom of the world and instead just be still and listen to God's voice. When I did that I clearly heard that us saying we were done at 3 kids was us worrying about worldy stuff when God had clearly shown us ages ago 4 kids in our home. I was content to step out in that but wasn't sure about Brett so I prayed that if it was really from God He would have to get Brett on board and he did, pretty much staight away. I wasn't sure about timing so just left the decision up to Brett whether he used contraception or not and the next time we were together he didn't. About 9 days after that I woke up feeling queasy, from that day so many smells started making me sick, pooey nappies, air freshner, burnt toast. My boobs were sore, I was exhausted. I thought it was too early for preg signs but did some research and discovered that symptoms can show up really early when you've had previous pregnancies and that they can show up from 8 or 9 days after conception which was the exact timing I had seen.

I knew I was pregnant, everyone around me who saw me near anything smelly knew I was pregnant, but the stupid preg tests kept showing negative, it was just too early for a urine test to tell. It was frustrating but I wasn't deterred because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Jaden. I had symptoms like that for 2 weeks and even had a dr tell me I wasn't until finally the test was positive and I could prove to everyone that I knew what my body was saying! This time I didn't get the chance.

We were waiting for those magical 2 lines before offically telling people, even though many already suspected. But last night I had some light bleeding. It was only a little so I tried not to panic, some people bleed in pregnancy for many reasons. But this morning I woke up very crampy, my back was aching and the bleeding was much heavier. I started thinking maybe I was just delusional and was never pregnant and this is just my period finally showing up late. But this does not feel like my normal period at all, and now thinking back I didn't really feel sick at all yesterday either. The symptoms disappear, I have a 'period' that starts light (mine usually don't) and horrible cramping that is not normal for me either. And grief, grief I can't seem to put a lid on cause the tears wont stop. I know I wasn't delusional and this is not just a late period. I was pregnant and this is an early miscarriage. It's pregnancy number 4, I know what it feels like and even though those 2 lines never showed up I knew in my heart that we were having a baby, and now we're not.

I needed to say all of that. To explain what happened and how heartbroken I feel. I know many people were speculating I was pregnant and I don't want to have to explain to everyone, so I am explaining here. And so this isn't the post I planned this week, I don't have a pic of a test with 2 lines to show you, just tears and disappointment to share with you. :-(

Family adventures (lots of pics!)

We've been out and about a bit lately on days when the weather has been lovely (there's been some rainy days in between). Last weekend my old church had a garage sale and I took the kids along while Brett was at the Hillsong men's conference. They had a fire truck there for the kids to explore and all 3 of them really liked it. Jaden and Bethany had turns at pretending to drive and Jaden got to try on oxygen tanks too. It was hard to drag them away!

Then we came home for some outdoor play and Elora was very proud to have her first go on the big girl swing :-)

On the Sunday night we went to the Hillsong live album recording. We weren't planning to cause I thought it would be too hard with the little ones but we decided to be adventurous and i'm so glad we went. The kids loved the kids programme, here I was worried they would be in tears and we'd have to try and keep them entertained in the big arena, but they ran straight in and didn't even look back. They had it so well set up it was kiddy heaven. So Brett and I got to soak in 2 1/2 hours of worship with thousands of other people and it was AMAZING!!!!

On Wednesday we joined in with our church mum's group at Mamre historic homestead for morning tea. It's only 5 minutes from my house but it's like stepping into the serenity of a rural area and the kids had a great time!

Yesterday we went to the open day of Sydney's christian radio station Hope103.2, which was called hopefest. It was quite hot but it was so worth going out cause it was a really great day. They had so much free stuff set up for the kids.

  The girls loved the jumping castles.

They all enjoyed the petting zoo.

The lego pit was like heaven for Jaden, Bethy enjoyed having a go as well cause she doesn't get to touch Jaden's lego at home.

Bethy also did a plaster painting, this was the only kids activity that you had to pay for, so we picked a cheap little $3 dinosaur and she did a lovely job.

We cooled down with ice creams and slushies (this is my drink that I let Elora have a sip of and she drank about half before I got it back off her, oops!)

They had some great bands playing.

There was a fairy painting faces and a pirate making balloon animals. We were in line for these but Bethy started having a tantrum about waiting and we decided it was time go to cause the girls were very hot and tired by then.

So we've been busy having lots of family adventures lately and enjoying the spring sunshine :-)