very raw and personal.

This post is not the one I was planning to write this week. I was planning to take a photo of a positive pregnancy test and break the exciting news that bub number 4 was on the way, but that is not what this post is going to say :-(

A few weeks ago I posted about a book I read that challenged me to not listen to the wisdom of the world and instead just be still and listen to God's voice. When I did that I clearly heard that us saying we were done at 3 kids was us worrying about worldy stuff when God had clearly shown us ages ago 4 kids in our home. I was content to step out in that but wasn't sure about Brett so I prayed that if it was really from God He would have to get Brett on board and he did, pretty much staight away. I wasn't sure about timing so just left the decision up to Brett whether he used contraception or not and the next time we were together he didn't. About 9 days after that I woke up feeling queasy, from that day so many smells started making me sick, pooey nappies, air freshner, burnt toast. My boobs were sore, I was exhausted. I thought it was too early for preg signs but did some research and discovered that symptoms can show up really early when you've had previous pregnancies and that they can show up from 8 or 9 days after conception which was the exact timing I had seen.

I knew I was pregnant, everyone around me who saw me near anything smelly knew I was pregnant, but the stupid preg tests kept showing negative, it was just too early for a urine test to tell. It was frustrating but I wasn't deterred because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Jaden. I had symptoms like that for 2 weeks and even had a dr tell me I wasn't until finally the test was positive and I could prove to everyone that I knew what my body was saying! This time I didn't get the chance.

We were waiting for those magical 2 lines before offically telling people, even though many already suspected. But last night I had some light bleeding. It was only a little so I tried not to panic, some people bleed in pregnancy for many reasons. But this morning I woke up very crampy, my back was aching and the bleeding was much heavier. I started thinking maybe I was just delusional and was never pregnant and this is just my period finally showing up late. But this does not feel like my normal period at all, and now thinking back I didn't really feel sick at all yesterday either. The symptoms disappear, I have a 'period' that starts light (mine usually don't) and horrible cramping that is not normal for me either. And grief, grief I can't seem to put a lid on cause the tears wont stop. I know I wasn't delusional and this is not just a late period. I was pregnant and this is an early miscarriage. It's pregnancy number 4, I know what it feels like and even though those 2 lines never showed up I knew in my heart that we were having a baby, and now we're not.

I needed to say all of that. To explain what happened and how heartbroken I feel. I know many people were speculating I was pregnant and I don't want to have to explain to everyone, so I am explaining here. And so this isn't the post I planned this week, I don't have a pic of a test with 2 lines to show you, just tears and disappointment to share with you. :-(