and then everything changed....

For those who have me as a friend on facebook you'd know I was having a pity party earlier in the week about things I couldn't afford, well that was just part of the emotional roller coaster I was on last week. I have been struggling with anxiety again in a way that hasn't reared its ugly head in months. I have felt overwhelmed by simple things and not wanting to leave the house because everything just felt too hard. Now part of it was probably exhustion because I have had a sick bubba and not a great deal of sleep, but the rest has been emotional and spiritual baggage that I didn't realise I was carrying until Thursday night.

I started a subject at Hillsong evening college (which was a miracle all in itself cause I couldn't afford it but it was sorted out for me by one of my pastors, yay!) and when I went on Thursday night it turned out to be the intro/open night but the principal of the college gave a talk/sermon and gosh it hit me right between the eyes! He was talking about the fact that college wasn't to give us the answers but rather to encourage us to read and think for ourselves and that it would be participatory rather than just lecturing, he encouraged us to let God out of His box and let ourselves out of our box and I realised suddenly that I was in a box!! He then spoke about how we limit ourselves with self limiting talk and if we're saying 'I can't' or 'I'm just', we're limiting ourselves and not letting God do what He needs to in us to get us out of our comfort zones.

Bam, wake up call!! I had been spending the past few days saying to myself (and also listening to satan saying it too i'm sure) "that it was a ridiculous idea for me to be organising a big Micah challenge event when I'm a mum with young kids and just have no time or sleep, what was I thinking doing soemthing which involved talking to strangers, including a Federal politician when I am actually quite shy really, I am way out of my depth here and not cut out for this at all, I even lost a job with World Vision a few years ago because they thought I was too shy for what they needed so what on earth was I thinking, I just can't do this!!" Hmmmm the very description of self limiting. I had asked God to use me then started freaking out when He did. The guy went on to say that it's a good thing to feel out of our depth because then we know we have to rely on God and not think we can do it on our own, oh such wise and true words!! I heard similar words a few weeks back from a fabulous friend and was reminded of that while I was sitting there that night. She  said to me that when she's freaking out about stepping out of her comfort zone she pictures a line in the sand that God has drawn for her and challenges herself to get over that line with God and to do what He asks, scared or not, just take a deep breath and 'do it scared' (thank you awesome Frances!!). So on Thursday night I drew a line and said ok God I'm stepping over this line with you and I'm gonna do it scared or not!

Then today I was on the computer finding pictures to make giant dominoes, matching up the problems of poverty with the solutions. I hadn't even got to malnutrition yet, but doing childhood illnesses this picture came up:

All I could do was sit here and sob :-(

All of a sudden everything changed and I got over myself. That line didn't seem hard to cross at all anymore when this is what's at stake. How could I let myself get so worked up and scared about using my voice for children like this. Now more than ever the message we are trying to send to Canberra is important as our politicians argue over cutting foreign aid when they were supposed to be increasing it. Without that money the fate of the child above is the fate of hundreds of thousands of children and that should not be ok with anyone. I have been listening to my current favourite Cd this afternoon (Yaweh by Hillsong) and the words of the song 'Hosanna' really spoke to my heart:

"break my heart for what breaks yours, everything I am for your kingdom's cause", my heart is broken for these forgotten ones and I want to truly give God everything and let Him take me out of that comfort zone so He can use me like I asked Him to!! So as I get all the last preparations done in this next week for 'Survive Past Five" I will be remembering that this is God's battle that he has asked me to join, I will hold His hand and not freak out, cause I want to surrender my all and I know the importance of what's at stake!!