My hero!

Yesterday was hard, very, very hard. Even now I am struggling to figure out my words, especially since it is hard to see the computer through my tears. I got a call on Saturday night that my grandma wasn't doing well and this could be it. We've had those calls a few times before, but there was such a finality about this one. Sunday I went to see her with my parents and sister and as soon as I walked into that room I knew this was really it. It didn't even look like my grandma laying in the bed. It looked like a skeleton with some baggy skin on it, I have never seen anything so heartbreaking in all my life. Once I left the room and composed my self I spent some time holding her hand, stroking her hair and just quietly praying that she wouldn't suffer. She opened her eyes a couple of times and looked at us but most of the time she was in a very deep sleep, she wasn't on any meds so it wasn't that, she didn't really seem to be there anymore, maybe she was already leaving. At one point she turned towards a spot on the wall and opened both eyes and stared and her face was actually a bit animated for that brief time, we think maybe she saw a glimpse of heaven that was waiting for her. It was so hard to leave that room and kiss her goodbye, cause I knew I would never see her on Earth again. If I knew it was only a matter of hours before she would be gone I probably would've stayed and held her hand, but they said it could take a couple of days and I had my kiddies to come home too.

Then at 11.30 last night I got the call that she was gone. My stomach has been churning ever since. The tears just wont stop and I feel so empty and lost. It's not that this was unexpected. Grandma was 93 and had been in a nursing home for some time. I know she is at peace with Jesus, reunited with her husband who died before I was even born, reunited with all her family of whom she was the last one alive, but none of that takes away the aching in my heart and my utter devastation at losing her.

You see my grandma was my hero. When I was born my mum was a single mum and a bit lost in many ways, we lived with grandma and she looked after me a lot. Even looking through my baby photos it is grandma's writing on the back of all of them, saying how old I am down to the day, and what I was doing.

She lived with us for a while even after mum got married and I loved that I could just go into her room to see her, especially on christmas day, or her birthday on boxing day to give her presents. (these are not the most flattering photos of her just waking up lol)

I was devastated when grandma moved into a unit in a retirement village and I couldn't see her everyday, so I used to go and stay with her most school holidays. She was my anchor in a very lonely childhood. My family was different back then, before we grasped God's healing grace, before we worked through our stuff and learned to forgive each other, before we fully realised how much love there really was we were just not showing it well.

 I always thought my mum didn't want me. She would never talk about who my dad was or answer any questions and so I took on board that there was something shameful about me, and I heard her talk to people more than once about living with the consequences of her sin and assumed she meant me, that God sent me to punish her for doing the wrong thing. I felt like worthless, unwanted rubbish, by everyone except my grandma. She's the only one who delighted in me, like all little girls need to be delighted in. When mum got married her and dad (I call my stepfather dad cause he's the only dad i've ever known) moved into a caravan in the backyard and left me in the house with grandma. As much as I loved being with grandma it felt like I had been left behind, like mum had moved on with a new life and didn't want me around anymore and so I clung to grandma even more. If I could've moved in with grandma when she moved out I would have done!

I have turned out like my grandma in many ways. My love of books, my bossy personality, and my love for God which she fostered. It was grandma who taught me about prayer, about having a relationship with God. She used to pray about everything, even which thing to buy at the shops and it often baffled me how she could be so close to someone she couldn't see. She was an amazing prayer warrior, she prayed for everyone in our family, she prayed for people at her church, she prayed for missionaries. That's the one thing I saw her do the most in her life! And I always felt those prayers.

Grandma has always been my biggest support and with me through everything. When I went to Bible College at 16 grandma often sent me encouraging little cards and would give me money to buy toiletries. When I was 19 and a friend committed suicide I was an absolute mess. I was the last person to speak to her as far as the police could figure out and I also found her body, and I ended up with post traumatic stress disorder after that. No one knew what to do with me. But grandma found a christian counsellor, paid for it out of her pension, and took me to those appointments every week to try and get me some help. It wasn't just me she loved of course, she loved all her grandkids, she had photos everywhere and could tell you all of their latest acomplishments, we just had a different relationship because she was like a mum to me.

When she turned 80 we had a big family celebration in the cafe that my mum and aunty owned at the time. Everyone came to celebrate and honour her.

This is her proud as punch with all her grandkids.

And with my family and also her sister aunty Jean who died a couple of years after this.

Not long after her 80th grandma started to go downhill. She had a second hip operation and I went and stayed with her afterward to look after her, but she was never quite the same again after that operation, maybe she reacted to the anaesthetic, I don't know, but it was soon after that when she ended up having to move out of her unit into a hostel, and later a nursing home.

Even from the hostel her prayers and support for everyone continued. When I fell pregnant I knew she was disappointed in me, but instead of scolding she made it her mission to pray, and one of her main prayer points was for a good man to be a husband and father for us.

Here she is with Jaden as a baby, you can see the difference in how she looks and it is only 2 years after the photos above.

And here she is 5 years ago on my wedding day. She perked up a bit for that occasion and was so pleased and excited. When Brett and I were walking out of the church she called out 'Carolyn you finally got your man', you can see me laughing my head off in the DVD. She loves Brett and would ring up and ask how he was doing all the time after we got married, and she was our 1 woman prayer team to get Brett a permanent job!

I loved talking things through with grandma. When I first took Elora to see her she asked me how it was going with the 2 little ones so close together  and when I said it was hard she started telling me about how she found it hard with exactly 12 months between my aunty Carol and my mum and that she understood and would be praying for me. I loved those times when she was lucid and you could really talk, there were many times in between in recent years when she wasn't quite sure who everyone was or what was going on and that was hard to watch.

I have learned so much from this woman. She went through a lot in her 93 years of life and yet she never wavered in her reliance on God, she prayed in all circumstances and was always there for everyone else. I even think of her when I cook one of the most basic meals we eat, tuna and rice casserole, because it was her recipe that she taught me how to cook. To be honest I have no idea how I am going to do life without her. You may've noticed that I have shared a lot about my own life journey in this post about her, that's because she is so intertwined in that journey and it feels like part of me is missing. It is going to be a deep valley of grief to walk though but I know I am not alone in it because the Shepherd who she clung to is walking with me too. 2 funerals in 2 weeks is certainly a hard road to be walking right now though and I would really value prayers for me and my family, especially my mum who is really feeling the loss of 2 important women in her life so close together!