365 days!

This precious little girl turned 1 today! I am feeling very emotional about it. Excited that we made it through a tough 12 months, sad that my bubba is not a tiny bubba anymore, and a little teary at the thought that this my be my last little one (although the hubby has decided he is open to discussing maybe 1 more in a couple of years time). I survived having 2 kids under 2 years and am still relatively in one piece, hurray!

Our precious Elora was a special surprise right from the start. It took us 2 years to fall pregnant with Bethany and we weren't sure if it would ever happen again, so you can imagine our total surprise when I found myself pregnant again when Bethany was only 6 months old. When I rang Brett to tell him I had a positive test he didn't actually believe me at first. Then Elora's birth came as a total surprise as well. My other 2 children were both overdue and so I expected the same again, but at 36 weeks my water broke and caught everyone completely off guard. I hadn't packed a hospital bag yet, and when we left for the hospital I found I actually had nothing to pack because the pyjamas I had been wearing when my waters broke were of course saturated, I hadn't bought a new pair for hospital yet, the washing was behind, I hadn't even bought nappies yet or maternity pads, like I said I was taken by surprise! My mother was lined up to watch the other kids when labour happened, but she was 2 hours away in Lithgow and had her phone turned off because it all happened in the middle of the night.

Then when we got to the hospital after roping in Brett's parents to babysit they tried to feel the position of the baby, then came back with an ultrasound machine and discovered our bubba was sideways and so I would have to have a cesarian. Not what we planned at all. I was hoping to be in and out of hospital as quick as possible because I had never left Bethany before and she was only 14 months old, but surgery meant a few days in hospital and a long recovery (including an infected wound) that made it very hard to pick up and look after an active toddler. Elora was in the NICU for a couple of days and that was very hard. I just wanted to hold my bubba and have her with me and it was several hours after her birth before I even got to hold her, thankfully Brett was with her the whole time.

When I finally took Elora home the hard days started. I cried every day, more than once, for months. Not because I didn't want her or didn't love her, I happen to adore my baby girl, but I just felt totally overwhelmed! I was determined to breastfeed her because I hadn't been able to do it with the other 2, but she was losing weight because I just don't produce enough milk, so I was put on medication and it helped me make milk but it totally messed with my hormones.We realised 4 months later when at the point of breakdown I stopped breastfeeding so that I could take anti-depressants that once I stopped taking the tablets the clouds lifted in my head and I found some of the old me again, so I never ended up needing to take the anti depressants. But things were still hard. Having 2 young kids so close together, plus an older one with special needs who takes up a lot of my energy as well, meant that many days I was exhausted, emotional, overwhelmed and it was just too hard to even cook dinner.

But thankfully, through it all, I have grown and changed. I have learnt to be a lot more flexible and to not be so hard on myself, I have learnt to ask for help, let myself be vulnerable and not sweat the small stuff. I have learnt that my house will never be perfectly tidy again. I have learnt to just chill and have a lot more fun with my kids, and I have learnt that I don't just love my kids, I love motherhood, a place I never quite expected to arrive at! I love that as my girls grow older they are playing together and becoming friends, I especially love hearing them giggle together. I love my busy, messy, noisy house full of chaos, and as much as there are days when I think I could go nuts, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else or have things any other way. The past 365 days have been some of the hardest of my life, but also the most incredible and rewarding. I am a very blessed mumma and am so thankful for all 3 of my treasures and I am looking forward to celebrating my baby girl with a party this weekend!!!