"because you say so..."

I mentioned in my last post that those photos of my beautiful children were there to remind me that it's all worthwhile in the midst of the days when I think I might go crazy, well I needed a bit more than that, I needed a big wake up call from God!!!

The reality is that I have been struggling the past few weeks, not just with sickness and tiredness or problems with the distance ed curriculum, what I have been struggling with the most is my own heart! I have been excited about preparing to register for home schooling, but there have been deeper undercurrents in my heart that were not so happy about it. I was becoming resentful that this seemed the only option open to me with a difficult child that just wont fit into any school system, I was feeling hard done by and that God was expecting more of me than I really wanted to give. After all this is a big commitment, this is the next few years of my life!! I had thought that next year I might be able to finally get back to my uni studies, Bethany is turning 3 and could go to pre-school, Jaden should be at school and Elora would be turning 2, no babies in the house, surely it would be time for me to get back to my dreams and plans right???!!!! Hmmmm maybe not......

Not only have I been compelled by God to go down the home schooling path for Jaden, but more and more it's been on my heart that 'the system' is not right for my girls either. I cannot bring myself to put Bethany's name down for pre-school. I had thought it was my own separation anxiety issues but more and more I have found myself hearing whispers in my heart that the point of pre-school is to prepare kids for the school system, so why do it if they're not going to school. Those thoughts were definately not from my mainstream brain, they were deep from my heart, and I believe are from God, and my response??? 'You have got to be kidding right, hello, I have plans to do something important with my life, to make a difference in the world for you God'!!!!!!

It seems so utterly ridiculous to argue with God that the plans I have to do something for Him are better than the plans He has for me, but logic is not my strong point here. So I have been very unsettled in my heart lately, arguing with God, feeling like he has railroaded me into a life I didn't choose and feeling liking I was going to lose myself in mummyland and never ever find a way out to actually do anything 'important' in the world. It seemed such a waste of my brains, gifts and potential to not finish my degree in community development, afterall I got 97.65 for my TER, had a distinction average at uni (HD's when I actually put in some effort), I even had an essay nominated for a university medal, surely God would not want me to waste all that talent right???? I have so many verses floating in my head right now about God's plans and thoughts being different from ours, should I really be that surprised when I am asked to lay down something that was my plan to follow what God has told me is more important?!

So this morning I took my self pitying, grumpy, self off to church with my family. I had a very sore back ( I have arthritis in my lower back, but last night I also pulled a muscle while cramped up in bed with my bubba Elora who was unsettled after having her needles), I hadn't had breakfast or even a coffee because I got everyone else ready and ran out of time, and I had a martyr complex going that being a mum means I come last and miss out on everything! Then God hit me right between the eyes.

The message was on Luke 5 where Peter was fishing all night and caught nothing but then Jesus told him to go out into deep water and let down the nets again and Peter said they'd worked hard all night "but because you say so, I will let down the nets". There it is so simple, Jesus spoke, and Peter's response was obedience "because you say so", and when he obeyed there were boatloads of fish, Jesus knew what was best (duh)! And after this episode "they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him". I was sitting there in church with tears rolling down my face, knowing that fighting God was making me miserable and therefore my family too because I have been so cranky lately and letting myself get overwhelmed with feelings of self pity insetad of finding the joy in my beautiful family. They are not a burden they are a blessing and in losing perspective I have missed out on God's best for all of us.

I picked up a book again that I read ages ago called "The Mission of Motherhood" by Sally Clarkson and it is speaking straight to my heart on what an important job being a mother is. Our society has forgotten. We have gained so many opportunities and that is great, but in embracing all the things we could be doing we can so easily lose sight of what's right under our noses. I know this may sound judgemental and controversial and it's not meant to, but the thought of handing my children over to other people to look after them, while I go do what I want to do is too big a sacrifice for me. I am the one that God entrusted their hearts too, I am the one responsible for them learning about God, and that's the most important thing they need to know. Of course they need to read and write and learn maths and other things too, but if I get the foundations wrong then I have totally missed the point of 'raising' my kids. All these years I have wanted to get a piece of paper to validate my importance, then go do something meaningful with it for God. And yet I have 3 eternal human beings that God has given me the task of raising to know Him, how could I have missed the importance of that?

This doesn't mean that I wont ever do anything else. God has given me a huge heart and burden for helping others, but I can do that as a mum. I love this quote from Lisa Bevere's book "Lioness Arising" 'justice does not require a legal degree, justice should be a lifestyle.' We have adopted a lifestyle of justice as a family.. buying fairtrade and telling others about it, particpating in birthing kit projects, organising advocacy events, sponsoring kids... I have done all that without a degree and it is part of who we are as a family. Jaden loves being involved and I look forward to social justice being a part of our everyday school life!!

So what does the future hold for me? I may never finish my degree, I may never do anything the world sees as important, but I will have made an eternal difference in the lives of those God has entrusted to me and to others who we can impact through loving God in our family lifestlye. Not everyone is called to homeschool and I don't know God's plans and purposes for anyone else, I just know that this is what he has asked of me and now that I have gotten over myself I have found the peace that has eluded me these past weeks while I chucked a mighty big tantrum. I will do what Jesus asks of me "because he says so". I want to be nowhere else but in the centre of His will for me, so just like Peter I am leaving behind everything to follow Him and I know that when I look back from eternity I will never regret it!!!